i think thin thoughts 8 days a week

reduced fat peanut butter crackers - 190 cals

15 almonds - 105 cals

green apple - 80 cals

i just didn’t want to feel dizzy during my exam. still, can’t help but feeling like i royally fucked up. this was suppose to be my 42 hour fast. i suppose i can add those 4 hours to my next fast. 

4:30p.m. : 52 hours + 4 hours = 56 hours of fasting from solids.

i’ll break this fast at 12:30a.m. on thursday. 

allowed: coffee (black), tea (diet), water (often) 

a grande soy sugarfree hazelnut latte.

a grande black coffee with 0 calorie sweetener. 

and i hate them both. 

watching how far i’ve come in recovery to seeing just how easily i can slip back is almost like watching all those anorexic documentaries where, no matter how much progress the kids make, they all fall back into the pattern. only, i’m not a size 0. i’m a size 8. in jeans, anyway. something like a size 6 in dresses. not much for caring anymore.

that’s a lie.

my stomach growled four times today. i didn’t intend on counting, i didn’t forget. it gave me a sick sort of satisfaction that i could each nothing and be in control. 

it’s been a while since i’ve been this determined in a fast. i wonder how long it will take for the headaches to set in again. 

i’m a theatre arts major and my emphasis is performance. i’m good at what i do. i’ve been awarded titles such as “best lead female” and “best supporting” in various roles since i started acting. but it is not a guaranteed career.

i’ve dated the same boy for almost two years not because i love him (which i do, make no mistake) but because he tells me he loves me. yet, we’re young and marriage won’t be for several years…if at all. 

i can’t stand the idea that the two most important things in my life are not a sure thing.

thin is.

i know for a fact that if i don’t eat, i lose weight. if i take laxatives, i lose weight. if i over excersize, i lose weight. and i’m willing to suffer the extreme stomach pains, the dizzy spells, the dehydration, the nausea, the inability to be social, the unwillingness to get out of bed in the morning, the cutting, the self hatred, everything if only because i know that one day i’ll be thin.

thin is guaranteed.

please tell me this makes sense to someone else.